Warpzine #009
by warpus (1st February, 1999)


[ editorial ] -----------------------------------------------------------------

Hey. Have you ever seen any of those 'love' hearts? You know, those
things people that are in love draw on busses, trees.. walls? A heart, with
their initials or names inside, with a plus in between. You know what i'm
talking about, right? I'd LOVE to see three names in there. Imagine sitting on
the bus one day, reading the graffiti.. and seeing something like 'mark + betty
+ steve'. I have no idea why this isn't done. I think i'm going to have to
start putting things like that up. Or hey, even a heart with names of two guys
in it. Why is it that only heterosexual COUPLES do this? Why haven't other
groups followed suit? Do they KNOW that this sort of thing CAN be done, or are
they just all anti-graffiti? Doesn't matter... next time i'm on a bus, and i'm
bored, i'm drawing a big-ass heart wherever there's room.. 'bob d. + mike +
fred + martin + bob s. + frank'.

And like, what the hell is up with angry people? Why are they angry? Who
are they angry at? Let me know, because i have no fucking IDEA! The next angry
person to cross my path will end up with a granade up his or her ass, because
man, i FUCKING HATE angry people.

You know what the world has to get ready for? The year 10,000 problem.
After we solve the year 2,000 problem, the programmers of the world should start
fixing the year 10,000 problem. Otherwise it's just going to get put off again,
and we're gonna be REALLY fucked when the 11th millenium comes around. Let me
explain why this is such a big problem. Programmers are adding two date fields
to an existing two, to upgrade dates stored from '98' to '1998', '00' to '1900'
or '2000', and so on. How will the year 10,000 year be stored using this new
system? '0000'. This will make ALL computers and imbedded chips think that
it's year 0, the year jesus was born in. At the end of the year 9,999,
religious fanatics from all around the world (cyborgs) will predict an arrival
of the anti-christ, and cause a nuclear war between the vatican and mars, which
will eliminate all life-forms in the milky way galaxy. So act now! If you want
to be extra-sure, add 2 fields, or even 3. Don't forget about the year 100,000
problem, and the year million problem. They are just around the corner.

If the world of politics worked the way the world of professional
wrestling does, many things would be different. Just imagine. 1975 - France
joins the Warsaw pact. Why would France do such a thing? Who cares. It DID.
If WWF and WCW were in charge of the world, Britain would suddenly bomb the US
and announce that it is after all, a muslim country, and that the attack on Iraq
was just a set-up. Norway and Sweden would probably end up with the tag-team
'countries of the world' belts, because, well... they've got such similar flags.
So yeah, I don't think that Hulk Hogan should become president of ANY country.
What's next? David Hasselhof being elected as the new pope?

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[ randomness? ] ----------------------------------------------------------------

ok, this is NOT going to be funny. it's a proof i came up with on the
21st of november, my birthday! speaking of which, did you know that i was born
on the same day as bjork? anyhow... here it is, a proof. i'm going to prove,
using linear algebra, that random things don't exist. if you hate math, and/or
have no idea what linear algebra IS, i will explain EVERYTHING i do as i do it.
so just read it, and... enjoy?

the first thing you will need to know, is the definition of SPAN. the
SPAN of a space is the set of vectors that define that space. think of 3D space
(R^3). you need three vectors to define this space. while there are an
infinite number of combinations of vectors you could use, the vectors (1,0,0),
(0,1,0), and (0,0,1) are the most commonly used. ANY vector in R^3 can be
written as a linear combination of the vectors that span R^3. for example,
(5,6,1) = 5 * (1,0,0) + 6 * (0,1,0) + 1 * (0,0,1), and
(0,0,1/2) = 0 * (1,0,0) + 0 * (0,1,0) * 1/2 * (0,0,1).
in R^2, you would need two vectors. (1,0) and (0,1) will do. any third vector
you pick, provided it is in R^2, will be a linear combination of these two
vectors.

oh yeah, i almost forgot. if you have no idea what a vector is, hrrm :)
ok. consider (4,5) - a vector. it's basically a line, from the origin
(0,0) to the point (4,5). so, (1,0,0) would be the vector that points exactly
in the direction of the x-axis, and is 1 units long. i hope that explains
things.

now, consider the universe. think of it as a space. you may say:
"but the universe has 3 dimensions, so it is spanned by (1,0,0), (0,1,0), and
(0,0,1)". no. forget about all that shit. that's something totally different.
those are spatial dimensions. i'm talking about very abstract things here. i
have no idea what the universe is "made" out of, nor do i care (as far as this
proof goes). ok, now pretend that the universe is spanned by n number of
vectors. these "vectors" are abstract ideas. i have no idea what they are. my
point is, they must be SOMETHING. they must exist. this means that any idea in
the universe can be expressed as a linear combination of these n vectors. let's
write this down: span(universe) = {v1, v2, v3, ... , vn}. now, any idea in the
universe can be expressed as a linear sum of of these vectors. let's write this
down too: idea = (a1 * v1) + (a2 * v2) + (a3 * v3) + ... + (an * vn), where a1
.. an are just scalars. they could be zero!. all of them, or just some of
them. if all of them are zero, then idea = 0. this just means that if you do
not think of anything, that that nothing will not be based on anything you have
previously thought about. which is obvious, but that sentence sounds confusing,
so i wrote it out.

ok, with all that crap out of the way, let's consider this. you think of
an idea. this idea will ALWAYS be dependent on other ideas in the universe!
you can NEVER think of an idea that is totally independent of anything that
exists in this universe. if that were true, your idea would no longer be in
this universe. it'd be, somewhere else :). think of the universe as a plane
(two dimensional), and your idea as a vector. if the vector is NOT on the
plane, then it can't be represented as a linear combination of the vectors that
span the plane! on the other hand, if the vector IS on the plane, then it WILL
be always possible to represent that vector in terms of any two vectors on that
plane, provided that they are not parallel to eachother. the span of two
vectors that are parallel to eachother defines a line, not a plane. if you
don't understand this, consider this: vector (4,5) can NOT be written as a sum
of two (non-zero) parallel vectors, for example (1,0) and (2,0), unless the
vectors are just scalar multiples of (4,5). it's impossible. vectors (1,0) and
(2,0) define a one dimensional system (a line) which can be just defined using
one vector. (1,0) will do. (2,0) would work too.

therefore, any idea that is invented, or thought of, will be always
dependent on other ideas. this means that you can't think of something that has
absolutely nothing to do with anything else. this in turn implies that it is
IMPOSSIBLE to think of something random, something that is pulled out of thin
air. think about it. computers use the time to generate random numbers. i'm
not 100% sure how it works, but i do know that this is what happens: the
computer looks at the clock, it takes some numbers from the time, and ta-da,
we've got a "random" number. another example: when we come across something
new, and we try to define it, we always define it in terms of something we
already know. Say we come across an animal that flies. aha, we say, it's a
bird. we already have a name for animals that fly. that's a very vague example
(some insects and mammals can fly too), but you get the idea. languages work
the same way. There is no language on the face of this planet that has not been
influenced by any other language. english is mainly just a fucked up mixture of
german, french, latin and greek. there are words from other languages, like..
ski is from norwegian for example. many european languages "stole" words from
latin, then french, and now they're "stealing" words from english. hell, that's
true now for many other languages all around the world as well.

well, i'll stop now, before i start babbling on and on about european
languages, european history, etc, etc. the article was supposed to be about
random things, so fuck it, i'm gonna stop :)

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[ VERY dark poems ] -----------------------------------------------------

it's really really late, and i SHOULD go to sleep, but... when i'm tired
i can write really interesting stuff, so, i'm going sacrifice some of my
sleeping time for YOU, the reader. get ready for some hardcore poetry.

toaster
-------
there are demons inside my toaster,
they used to talk to me.

feed us toast!
feed us toast!

we will make it brown, or black,
depending on the setting.

one time i unplugged the toaster,
to see what would happen.

the demons stopped talking.

i haven't had breakfast since.

the arrival
-----------
the lord will come,
and he will say:
"i'm here."

the arrival (variation)
-----------------------
the lord will come,
and he will say:
"swallow, bitch."

dead pigeons
------------
everywhere i look,
i see dead pigeons.
they surround me.
they engulf me.
oh, the sorrow.
the darkness.
i must escape.

but i won't,
because somebody
nailed my foot
to the floor.

so sweet!
---------
my urine is purple
my semen is blue
but all that matters
is that i love YOU.

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[ what if ________ produced condoms? ] ------------------------

microsoft: a mechanism built into the condom will "install" the condom
automatically upon opening of the package. the user will have
nothingg to say about how it goes on the condom will attach itself
to the penis, and stay there. only experienced microsoft condom
users know how to remove the condom from the penis. the condom
glows in the dark, and is strawberry flavoured, but its 2kg weight
considerably hinders in the act of sexual intercourse.

AOL: people all over the north american continent will receive a free AOL
condom in the mail every 2 months. the condom will come with an
educational pamphlet about sex, claiming that if you use the AOL
condom, your penis will be BIGGER, BETTER, and FASTER.

vatican: the condom will have a picture of jesus on it. furthermore, there
will be a large opening at the tip.

sprite: the slogan "obey your penis" will be used to sell the condom.

mccain: typical horny north american teenagers will be used to sell this
particular product. after a wild time at the pool, jack and jill
will go back to jack's place, where they will be faced with an
intriguing dilemma: "what kind of condom should they use to protect
themselves from the evil AIDS virus?". in an award-winning display
of motherhood, passion, and the american dream, jack's mom will
happily suggest that the young couple use mccain condoms. she
will then try to join them in the bedroom, which jack will jokingly
dismiss, asking: "are you horny too, mom?". the commercial will end
with the mom smiling and replying: "not at all, son", while moans in
the background will further remind the audicence of what is being
sold.

gi joe: the condom will come with a variety of accessories, including: a
rocket launcher that launches plastic rockets, a button, which, when
pressed, will make the condom say things like: "die, vagina!", "i
come in peace", and "penis power!", a red laser that will make the
process of insertion a bit easier, and more. batteries
not included.

mattel: the condom will have pubic hair which you will be able to brush.
You will also be able to "magically" fill the condom up with semen
by flipping it upside down. a rubber dildo will come with the
condom. "my little penis" will be used in conjuction with the
condom, and "my little pony" to demonstrate the wonders of
intercourse with horses, and other farm animals. "my little pony"
will release a blood-like substance from its vagina every month to
further educate the little ones about the female reproductive
system.

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[ sitcom ] ---------------------------------------------------------------------

this is hopefully going to be a regular installment of warpzine, but then
again, with me nothing is certain. i'm unpredictable. today, for example, i
tried to climb onto a bus stop waiting booth, FOR NO REASON AT ALL. of course,
it might have had something to do with the fact that i was slightly drunk,
but... let's not get technical. i would have PROBABLY done the exact same
thing if i was sober. if you're really interested, the incident was short-
lived. i did not manage to climb onto the bus stop waiting booth at all, and i
gave up after trying twice.

(i'll get up there someday)

the big goose show - propopsed sitcom
written entirely by warpus

episode one (The arrival of the sword):

{the camera zooms in towards a plane flying at a high altitude. Opening
credits. funky music. suddenly, an explosion. the plane shakes, and the cargo
bay door opens. a crate falls out of the plane.}

{the camera shows a young boy playing in a sandbox with a friend. laughter.
then, out of nowhere, a crate lands on his friend. the little boy cries.}

{the camera shows the plane again, and slowly keeps zooming in. suddenly a logo
on the side of the plane comes into focus. it says "microsoft". the camera
quickly pans down, and shows the young boy. he is kneeling beside his dead
friend, who is lying in a pool of blood, surrounded by 'Windows 98' boxes.}

{as the scene fades out, the camera slowly pans away. Crying can be heard in
the background. Country music comes on, then somebody says "fuck", and it goes
off.}

{10 years later. The camera shows a young woman, typing something on her
computer. Windows crashes. She says: "fuck, i'm going to kill bill gates".
And the story intensifies}

{the two meet during an anti-Microsoft demonstration which quickly turns into a
full-force riot. Microsoft Secret Police start shooting tear gas into a big
group of angry young students, who won't stop chanting: "We'd rather use DOS!"
The scene softly fades out, and then fades in, showing a shot of a semi-nude
woman eating a taco.}

COMMERCIALS

{A deal is struck. The two will fight the evil empire with a bunch of guns, and
a sword of eastern european origins. It is covered with diamonds, gold, silver,
jewels, and ornaments which are made from diamonds, gold, silver, and jewels.
There are even smaller ornaments on the bigger ones. They are made from
diamonds, gold, silver, and jewels too... And that's as far as it goes.

COMMERCIALS (a lot of time is spent showing the beautiful sword, which as i've
mentioned before, is covered with diamonds, gold, silver, jewels, and ornaments
that are made from diamonds, gold, silver, and jewels. I won't talk about the
ornaments that are on the bigger ornaments on the sword, because there isn't
enough time to even begin discussing that. So yeah, that's why it seems that
the commercials came so soon.)

{The first fight is between our two heroes, and the first properly cloned Human.
I say properly, because 5 years earlier, a bunch of scientists cloned Bill
Clinton, and the clone turned out to be a sheep named Dolly. The fight is
quick, the attack by our heroes was well planned out. The clone was first shot
in the foot, and then his pinky was cut off with the incredible sword.}

COMMERCIALS (once again, a lot of the sword is shown. Don't worry, this is the
last time i say the word 'sword' in a sentence.)

{Credits}

sword <-- this isn't a sentence.
I sword no beets <-- this isn't a sentence either. It doesn't have a verb.
You want to go swording <-- the word 'sword' isn't used in this sentence.
Sword sword sword, sword. Sword! <-- this is not even one sentence.

Anyhow.

I have to go and eat.

I must end warpzine#9 now.

It was pretty big, i think.

Shit, the food isn't ready yet.

Want an encore?

Here's another article.

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[ diary ] -------------------------------------------------------------------

this is a REAL diary of the only survivor of a sunken ship, who was
stranded on a deserted island, until he died in 1784. It was found in 1994, by
the pope's guiding hand.

Day 1: I seem to be stranded on a deserted island.
Day 2: Today was fun. I ate seaweed.
Day 3: I don't feel too good.

There are no other entires.

What's the moral of this diary, and of this warpzine?
Never eat seaweed.

Ok, so that's it.